Zombie Apocalypse Protectorate

The Zombie Apocalypse Protectorate have finally, after many long years, bowed to public pressure and decided to offer a range of merchandise for the savvy survivor intent on staying alive long enough to make his mark in a post-apocalyptic land.

The result of many long years of intense study and testing, we took ideas from every sector of our membership and presented them to our laboratory for appraisal and development. Any designs considered worthy were constucted, evaluated and refined on our testing range, and once they had passed this gruelling assessment, the blueprints were sent to our workshops.

This isn't a collection of silly fantasy-style weapons as seen on so many of our rival sites; this is real stuff made out of real materials from a real world to help deal with the real-world problems which may arise as you attempt to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Thanks to the enerring attention of our Logistics Officer, our warehouse is now looking pretty healthy so below is a list of the merchandise on offer, with price (including postage) and current availablity.

Whacking Plank

One of the weapons from our budget range, this is made of solid hardwood timber which has been obtained in an environmentally friendly manner and measures approximately 600mm in length. It comes complete with lanyard and is capable of administering a fair whack to the head, enough to make any zombie re-think its actions. Cross section and type of wood may vary.

Whacking Plank Deluxe

An upgrade of our popular Whacking Plank, this is made of solid hardwood timber which has been obtained in an environmentally friendly manner and measures approximately 600mm in length. This model has a profiled grip and a rounded tip, and comes complete with lanyard. Capable of administering a fair whack to the head, enough to make any zombie re-think its actions. Cross section and type of wood may vary.

Hood Of Invisibility

A recent addition to our exciting range, this facial feature obfuscating device makes it possible to mingle with zombies without being noticed. Made of a high grade polymer weave, it is extremely tough and can be rapidly deployed. Although not thoroughly evaluated in a combat situation, volunteers did prove extremely difficult to recognise during testing. It is supplied complete with water-resistant confusion-averting graphics and as we have such confidence in the effectiveness of this particular item, it carries a full money back guarantee should it prove ineffective.

Vertical To Horizontal Conversion Apparatus

One of the products from our line of humane zombie control, this apparatus can be hurled at the zombie's legs from a safe distance, almost instantly forcing it to adopt a less harmful horizontal stance. Manufactured from best quality cord fitted with the two 45mm diameter momentum continuance spheres, these being made from carbon steel for superior wear resistance in the field.

Post-Apocalyptic Trade Tokens

The scenario: you have done 15 hours' work for someone, but don't yet require the food offered in exchange. You need some way of 'storing' that payment for later use and these PATTs, fabricated from rust-resistant copper, are the ideal way to do this. Buy now to beat the rush and help consolidate our post-apocalyptic fiscal policy.
One PATT = one rabbit = one hour of moderate labour.
One sheep = 15 PATTs.
Tokens sold singly.

Perambulation Negation Orbs

From our superb line of humane zombie control, these orbs can be placed around the feet of an approaching zombie, causing it to rapidly lose attitude control and assume a less threatening stance, allowing you the chance of escape. Made of the finest quality refined silicates, the kit consists of 20 orbs of assorted colours, complete with handy carrying bag.

Ocular Deactivation Tool

There may be times when you simply don't feel like killing yet another zombie, and this tool provides the perfect solution. Fitted with a barbed duo-prong, it has been carefully calibrated to exactly match the eye spacing of a typical humanoid. You can now disable a zombie's visual navigational equipment from a safe distance thereby reducing its combat effectiveness to below 20 percent, giving you an excellent chance of escaping unbitten. Manufactured from elder-wood, and measuring approximately 1 metre in length.

Protective Pebble

One of our budget weapons aimed at the less affluent survivor, this is intended for close-quarters emergency anti-zombie duty. Our pebbles have been specially selected for shape and weight, and have been freshly stolen from the local beach. Capable, in the right hands, of delivering a skull-smashing blow to any zombie, they weigh between 1 and 2 Kg. Colour and shape may vary from that illustrated.

Lower Apparel Retention Device

Speed is your best friend when attempting to escape from a zombie, but if any clothing should fall around your ankles, you risk getting caught. After many weeks of intense research we produced this cunning device which allows you to secure troublesome garments to prevent this happening. Made of best quality polymer braid, it is supplied in a 2 metre length, enough to retain even the most insistent of apparel.

Nociception Detection Probe

You may find yourself in a situation where you are being approached by a slow, lumbering, grunting creature, but are unsure whether it is a zombie or just another teenager. This probe, the product of months of intense neurological research and testing, enables you to give it a good prod from a safe distance to gauge its reaction. A yelp or expletive suggests a sentient human, whereas a null response indicates a zombie. Consists of a lightweight bamboo handle fitted with a replaceable stainless steel multi-probe. Overall length 1 metre.

Multi-Vector Assault Assembly

Although not necessarly lethal on its own, this innovative equipment will enable you to keep an attacking zombie engaged, allowing an associate to get on with the dismemberment. Made using best quality wooden trauma-inducing columns linked by a high tensile steel tether, this item is guaranteed, in skilled hands, to keep any zombie suitably confused.

Intimidation Induction Wand:   Small

If you encounter a rival foraging party at your local Tesco, you need to ensure you appear to have the upper hand. Many different shapes were tried during research resulting in this one which produces considerable amounts of intimidation when wielded from a moderate distance of between 30m and 80m, ensuring your would-be rivals believe it's you who's in charge. Made of water resistant 3-ply wood, finished with a hard-wearing black paint. Overall length about 26cm.
Caution: May induce laughter at ranges closer than the recommended minimum.

Intimidation Induction Wand:   Large

If you encounter a rival foraging party at your local Tesco, you need to ensure you appear to have the upper hand. Many different shapes were tried during research resulting in this design which produces considerable amounts of intimidation when wielded from a distance of between 80m and 200m, ensuring your would-be rivals believe it's you who's in charge. Made of water resistant 3-ply wood, finished with a hard-wearing black paint. Overall length about 73cm.
Caution: May induce laughter at ranges closer than the recommended minimum.

Zombie Bar

This handy self-defence bar is made of high quality plated 8.8 grade steel, measures 500mm in length and has a diameter of 20mm. Being relatively easy to swing but still heavy enough to crack cranium, our Zombie Bar comes complete with lanyard and is threaded along its entire length for a superior grip.
Guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.

Zombie Bar Turbo

The turbo version of our Zombie Bar, made of plated 8.8 grade steel, measures 500mm in length and 20mm in diameter. This is somewhat heavier to swing than our regular Zombie Bar and is perhaps better suited to our spinach-eating friends than the dainty of hand. Fitted with ZAP's special skull-cleaver at the business end, you can be sure of rending any zombie skull which comes your way. Fitted with lanyard and threaded for extra grip.
Guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.

Zombie Distraction Pellets

If you find yourself under attack from several zombies, these distraction pellets can be propelled in their direction using the kinetic energy impartation device supplied. Containing military specification gelatine known to be irresistable to zombies, they are guaranteed to divert any attacker's attention away from you, buying valuable life-saving seconds. Each pack contains 30 pellets in assorted colours.

Mega-Welt 3000

Not everything we produce is for zombie control; there may be occasions where a rival gang member tests your perimeter, and the need for hand to hand combat is indicated. This rather useful invention can be wetted, and applied at high speed to the invader's bare skin, quickly sending him squealing and scurrying for the hills. Supplied with 1.5 litres of wetting agent and a detailed instruction manual.

Skull Smasher:  Ladies

Having a moderate diameter well suited to the daintier hand, this superbly handling weapon measures 500mm in length, 30mm in width at the widest point and is manufactured from the finest manganese steel. It has been lovingly fabricated from tubing with a lemon-shaped cross section ensuring a skull-smashing contact pressure. Highly effective and yet surprisingly easy to wield on account of its hollow construction, it is supplied complete with lanyard.
Guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.

Skull Smasher:  Men

Having a larger diameter better suited to the sturdier hand, this superbly handling weapon measures 500mm in length, 40mm in width at the widest point and is manufactured from the finest manganese steel. It has been lovingly fabricated from tubing with a lemon-shaped cross section ensuring an eye-popping impact force. Highly effective and yet surprisingly easy to wield on account of its hollow construction, it is supplied complete with lanyard.
Guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.

Mini Smoke Signal Kit

This is something no self-respecting post-apocalyptic survivor should be without. Complete with a piece of real flint, carbon steel striker, a mini blanket (flammable) and a bag of tinder made from best quality shredded bank statement, you have everything you need to send smoke signals to your associates from the hilltops. Range and readability can vary according to conditions and/or operator skills.

Bashing Branch

Another ingeniously-conceived device from our budget range, this Bashing Branch can be wielded at an approaching zombie with surprising results if sufficient force is applied. Sourced in an environmentally friendly manner; length, colour and diameter may vary according to availability of raw materials.

More exciting products will be added to our range as they become available, so be sure to check back regularly to keep up to date with the entire range.