The Zombie Apocalypse Protectorate have finally, after many long years, bowed to public pressure and decided to start offering a range of merchandise for the savvy survivor intent on making his mark in a post-apocalyptic land.
Alongside a bed-wettingly exciting range of must-have devices, we are also proud to announce the first of several designs of anti-zombie weaponry which had been congealed under the watchful gaze of our Master-At-Arms. Some have now been finalised in our laboratory and are beginning to emerge from the forge. Below is a list of the merchandise already in stock and available to purchase, with plenty more to follow soon so be sure to check back regularly for the latest additions to ZAP's scintillating stream of stock.
Please note, we will only accept orders from mainland UK. All enquiries should be sent to the group's e-mail address in the first instance, whereupon payment details will be given. Payment by cheque or PayPal only, goods dispatched once payment has cleared. All prices inclusive of postage and packing.
One of the weapons from our budget range, this is made of solid hardwood timber which has been obtained in an environmentally friendly manner and measures approximately 600mm in length. It comes complete with lanyard and is capable of administering a fair whack to the head, enough to make any zombie re-think its actions. Cross section and type of wood may vary.
Price: £20.00 Product Code: ZAP-02 Availability: In Stock
Whacking Plank Deluxe
An upgrade of our popular Whacking Plank, this is made of solid hardwood timber which has been obtained in an environmentally friendly manner and measures approximately 600mm in length. This model has a profiled grip and a rounded tip, and comes complete with lanyard. Capable of administering a fair whack to the head, enough to make any zombie re-think its actions. Cross section and type of wood may vary.
Price: £24.00 Product Code: ZAP-14 Availability: In Stock
Hood Of Invisibility
A recent addition to our exciting range, this facial feature obfuscating device makes it possible to mingle with zombies without being noticed. Made of a high grade polymer weave, it is extremely tough, easy to store and can be rapidly deployed. Although not thoroughly evaluated in a combat situation, volunteers did prove extremely difficult to recognise during testing, and it is supplied complete with water-resistant confusion-averting graphics to reduce the risk of friendly fire. This product carries a full money back guarantee should it prove ineffective.
Price: £9.00 Product Code: ZAP-06 Availability: Sold Out
Vertical To Horizontal Conversion Apparatus
One of the products from our line of humane zombie control, this apparatus can be hurled at the zombie's legs from a safe distance, almost instantly forcing it to adopt a less harmful horizontal stance. Manufactured from best quality cord fitted with the two 45mm diameter momentum continuance orbs, these being made from carbon steel for superior wear resistance in the field.
Price: £18.00 Product Code: ZAP-10 Availability: In Stock
Post-Apocalyptic Trade Tokens
The scenario: You have done 15 hours' work for someone, but don't yet require the food offered in exchange. You need some way of 'storing' that payment for later use and these PATTs, fabricated from corrosion-resistant copper, represent the ideal way to do this. Buy now to beat the rush and help consolidate our post-apocalyptic fiscal policy.
One PATT = one rabbit = one hour of moderate labour. One sheep = 15 PATTs.
Tokens sold singly.
Price: £5.00 Product Code: ZAP-17 Availability: In Stock
One of the budget weapons in our range, this is intended for close-quarters emergency anti-zombie duty. Our pebbles have been specially selected for shape and weight, and have been freshly stolen from Budleigh Salterton beach. Capable, in the right hands, of delivering a skull-smashing blow to any zombie, they weigh between 1 and 2 Kg. Colour and shape may vary from that illustrated.
Price: £17.00 Product Code: ZAP-01 Availability: In Stock
Lower Apparel Retention Device
Speed is your best friend when attempting to escape from a zombie, but if any clothing should fall around your ankles, you are likely to get caught. After many days of intense research we produced this cunning device which allows you to secure troublesome garments so as to prevent this happening. Made of best quality polymer braid, it is supplied in a 2 metre length, enough to retain even the most insistent of apparel.
Price: £7.00 Product Code: ZAP-09 Availability: In Stock
Intimidation Induction Wand - Small
If you encounter a rival foraging party at your local Tesco, you need to ensure you appear to have the upper hand. Many combinations of different shapes were tried during research resulting in this one which produces considerable amounts of intimidation when wielded from a moderate distance of between 30m and 70m, ensuring your would-be rivals believe it's you who's in charge. Made of water resistant 3-ply wood, finished with a hard-wearing black paint. Overall length about 26cm.
Warning: May induce laughter at ranges closer than the recommended minimum.
Price: £25.00 Product Code: ZAP-12 Availability: In Stock
Intimidation Induction Wand - Large
If you encounter a rival foraging party at your local Tesco, you need to ensure you appear to have the upper hand. Many combinations of different shapes were tried during research resulting in this design which produces considerable amounts of intimidation when wielded from a greater distance of between 65m and 120m, ensuring your would-be rivals believe it's you who's in charge. Made of water resistant 3-ply wood, finished with a hard-wearing black paint. Overall length about 73cm.
Warning: May induce laughter at ranges closer than the recommended minimum.
Price: £27.00 Product Code: ZAP-13 Availability: In Stock
This handy self-defence bar is made of high quality plated 8.8 grade steel, measures 500mm in length and has a diameter of 20mm. Being relatively easy to swing but still heavy enough to crack cranium, our Zombie Bar comes complete with lanyard and is threaded along its entire length for a superior grip. Guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.
Price: £26.00 Product Code: ZAP-03 Availability: In Stock
Zombie Bar Turbo
The turbo version of our Zombie Bar, made of plated 8.8 grade steel, measures 500mm in length and 20mm in diameter. This is somewhat heavier to swing than our regular Zombie Bar and is therefore better suited to our spinach-eating friends than the ladies. Fitted with ZAP's special skull-cleaver at the business end, you can be sure of rending any zombie skull which comes your way. Fitted with lanyard, threaded for extra grip and guaranteed not to break or bend when used as intended.
Price: £29.00 Product Code: ZAP-04 Availability: In Stock
Zombie Distraction Pellets
If you find yourself under attack from several zombies, these distraction pellets can be propelled in their direction using the kinetic energy impartation device supplied. Containing military specification gelatine known to be irresistable to zombies, they are guaranteed to take any liver-hungry attacker's attention away from you, buying valuable life-saving seconds. Each pack contains 30 pellets in assorted colours.
Price: £9.00 Product Code: ZAP-11 Availability: In Stock
Skull Smasher - Ladies
Having a moderate diameter well suited to the daintier hand, this superbly handling weapon measures 500mm in length, 30mm in width at the widest point and is manufactured from the finest manganese steel. It has been lovingly fabricated from tubing with a lemon-shaped cross section ensuring a skull-smashing contact pressure. Highly effective and yet surprisingly easy to wield on account of its hollow construction, it is supplied complete with lanyard and guaranteed not to break when used for its intended purpose.
Price: £34.00 Product Code: ZAP-05 Availability: In Stock
Skull Smasher - Men
Having a larger diameter better suited to the sturdier hand, this superbly handling weapon measures 500mm in length, 40mm in width at the widest point and is manufactured from the finest manganese steel. It has been lovingly fabricated from tubing with a lemon-shaped cross section ensuring an eye-popping impact force. Highly effective and yet surprisingly easy to wield on account of its hollow construction, it is supplied complete with lanyard and guaranteed not to break when used for its intended purpose.
Price: £34.00 Product Code: ZAP-15 Availability: In Stock
Mini Smoke Signal Kit
This is something no self-respecting post-apocalyptic survivor should be without. Complete with a piece of natural flint, carbon steel striker, a mini blanket (flammable) and a bag of tinder made from best quality shredded Halifax statement, you have everything you need to send signals to your associates from the hilltops. Range and readability can vary according to conditions and/or operator skills.
Price: £16.00 Product Code: ZAP-07 Availability: In Stock
More exciting products will be added to our range as they become available, so be sure to check back regularly to keep up to date with the entire range.
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This page is for giggles, although you really can place an order for any of our stuff if you want to.
We will not be held responsible for the actions of those too moronic to be able to separate reality from fiction.
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