Jokes
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack,
I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and
I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing
from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another
thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini." Big Busted Women... ..can get a taxi on the worst days ..have a
neat place to carry spare change ..have always been the center of the arts
(art) ..make jogging a spectator sport ..can keep a magazine dry while
laying the tub ..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ..can always carry a
little extra ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost
earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to set their
glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Small Busted Women... ..don't
cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ..always look
younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ..can
always see their toes and shoes ..can sleep on their stomachs ..have no
trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ..know that people can read
the entire message on their t-shirts ..know that everything more than a
handful is wasted ..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire
aisle ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves
out Two construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day
working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and
he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I
don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor
says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor
puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido
winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just
as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the
tree! The supervisor says "Thats intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes
back to his coworker and his coworker says "Hey what did he say?" With
a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita
my hand as hard as you can. . ." Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after
catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!"
the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their
honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick
up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in
there, pick me up some Dramamine." The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore
and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine,
please." "Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question?
If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?" A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single
malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without
pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you
seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What
do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents." A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need
a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says
the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his
tongue and his middle finger. A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem.
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and
standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was
preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to
the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the
woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing
better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests
were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises
the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big
problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the
kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing
all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know what to do, the meat
balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up". A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the
desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with
you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up,
and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then
one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout
Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the
right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about
the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as
soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind
you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the
color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother
tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about
the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour. (Ray's
Note: Oh GOD yes . . . ) "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take
away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got
? "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh. An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt
in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies ets) and was
constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of
an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand
pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit
on well." It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise
and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon
is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared
in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994. Hot
pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is,
"Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!" The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the
evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey!
You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his
pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She
glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ? Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow
down and use a lubricant. Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance
than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are
blind. Q. What is the height of conceit? A Having an orgasm and calling
out your own name. A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300%
impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She
says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his
tongue and broke his finger!" A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker
bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you
gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant
of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the
seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little
man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously
very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the
big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir,"
answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the
biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked
on it, sir." A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his
wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty
much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am
home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we
were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in
the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least
stop all that racket on the weekends?'" What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish
shepherd? The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and The Scottish
Shepherd says "Hey McCleod! Get off of my ewe. If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete
it Imediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus
yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and the milk
curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram
your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend
your new phhone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It
will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table
when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are
late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static
while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened
pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace
your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous
to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter
if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the
grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch
Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged
in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags
from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It
is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid! Be very, very afraid! 20 ways to annoy public bathroom stallmate 1. Stick your open palm
under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer
and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function
noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh
shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope
into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say,
"Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus." 10.
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say,
"Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze
tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under
the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that
back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on
me." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze
the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and
blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy,
that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole
was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known
drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll
toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter
on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath
the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked
at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions
to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and
saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he
made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman
said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either." The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted
speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav
Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting
my daughter in Columbia." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and
said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again." An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car
pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll
give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the
car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy
tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down
the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my
final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little
boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver.
"You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!" A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for
a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and
asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably,
" replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti
and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again
replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody
not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE
store, moron." The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in
their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for
a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit
and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to
an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum
and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits
him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people
the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade
clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street
to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure
enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and
says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!" "I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!" "Why
would you want to divorce him for that?" "Every time he gets around a young
woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!" A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that
he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the
counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons
for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own,
SO DOES SHE!" Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous
woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her
a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying
small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time". "Look," says
the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks,
you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?" A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends
him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's
half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these
things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the
road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's
gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but
he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna
hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road
and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's
still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's
the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss,
but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck." Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting
in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what
ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe." "Ah Danny," says she, "tis
poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald.
'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a
specimen is." "Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up
the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate
bounding up the stairs. Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell
of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the
landing. "Kate, what ever happened?" "I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said
and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her
hat . . . and the fight was on." An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside
a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his
hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,
slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,
adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What
do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like
plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a
look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb
and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah,
it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell
or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk
replied, "Out of my nose." This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel
specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite
a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast,
using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal,
and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They
were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and
they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped
up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration,
and bowed his head. A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one
foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said,
"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend
asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"
said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said,
"Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and
says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunk replies," I'm
sorry I didn't know it was her turn." A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what
it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked,
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut," she said with disdain. "But you
don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed
a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how
you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slippd and cut off one of the
man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the
ball with an onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to
the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects
though." "Whats that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, everytime I piss,
my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and
everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!" A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class
one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just
saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't
want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the
very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out
of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want
to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the
eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you
are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days
are over." Jon was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. On the
line was Judi. "Jon, I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I-70. I know that's the way you come home. Please be careful!" Jon
said, "Hell, it's not one -- it's hundreds of 'em!" Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas.
Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for
a drink. "I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..."
To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't
know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and
then agreed. A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a
nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't
know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed. After
a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get
pretty friendly, and judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little
party. Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If don't know you, you don't know me,
they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going
to invite?!" A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded
late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The
desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel
is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg
stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your
religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named
Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel
clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!" An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while
they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees
and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and
a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen
her husband. So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa
me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly
black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband." The Italian
woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman
answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split." To which the
Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the
bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!" A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth
on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time
to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to
the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a
loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered
and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped
and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"" That's fer fifty years of bad sex,"
she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock
again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked,
until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over
and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon
as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that
fer?"" That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin'
the difference." This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position
in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so
he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead,
who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one." A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to
find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey,
and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried,
"What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion
got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better
of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The
man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But
why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He
found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This
mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does --
just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and
when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord.
Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took
the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I
pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss
at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you." A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where
two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous
Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely
disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know,
maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That
bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." Amanpreet repots for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing
but True / False type answers. He takes his seat, gets the test, stares
at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads"
he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False". Within half an hour,
Amanpreet is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating. The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him
and asks him if he's ok. Amanpreet spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished
my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all
of these answers!!!"