1
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Use as many Q signals as
possible. Yes, I know they were invented
solely for CW and are totally inappropriate
for VHF/UHF FM, but they're fun and
entertaining. They keep people guessing as
to what you really meant. For example, "I'm
going to QSY to the kitchen." Can you really
change frequency to the kitchen? QSL used to
mean "I am acknowledging receipt," but now
it appears to mean "yes" or "OK." I guess I
missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning.
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2
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Never laugh, when you can say
"hi hi." No one will ever know you aren't a
long time CW ragchewer if you don't tell
them. They'll think you've been on since the
days of Marconi. |
3
|
Utilize an alternative
vocabulary. Use words like
"Roge-O", "Destinated" and "Negatory."
It's OK to make up your own words here.
"Yeah Bill, I pheelbart zaphonix
occasionally myself." |
4
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Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert
your own call) "for I.D.". As
mentioned in Step One, anything that creates
redundancy is always encouraged. That's why
we have the Department of Redundancy
Department. (Please note that you can follow
your call with "for identification
purposes" instead of "for I.D."
While taking longer to say, it is worth more
"LID points". |
5
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The better the copy on the
repeater, the more you should use phonetics.
Names should be especially used if they are
short or common ones. I.E. "My name is
Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet
Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all
possible use the less common HF phonetics "A4SM...
America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico."
And for maximum "LID points", make up
unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob...
Billibong Oregano Bumperpool." |
6
|
Always give the calls of
yourself and everyone who is (or has been)
in the group, whether they are still there
or not. While this has been unnecessary for
years, it is still a great memory test. You
may also use "and the group" if you
are an "old timer" or just have a bad
memory. Extra points for saying everyone's
call and then clearing in a silly way - like
"This is K2xxx, Chow, Chow." |
7
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Whenever possible, use the
wrong terminology. It keeps people guessing.
Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation".
And even if the amplifier you're using is a
Class C type amp, and thus not biased for
linear amplification, be sure to call it
your "linear." Heck, refer to all
FM-style amplifiers as "linears."
You'll be king of the "wrong terminology"
hill. Or better yet, refer to them as
"lin-e-yars." |
8
|
If someone asks for a break,
always finish your turn, taking as long as
possible before turning it over. Whenever
possible, pass it around a few times first.
This will discourage the breaker, and if it
is an emergency, encourage him to switch to
another repeater and not bother you. |
9
|
Always ask involved questions
of the person who is trying to sign out.
Never let him get by with a yes or no
answer. Make it a question that will take a
long time to answer. |
10
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The less you know about a
subject, the more you should speculate about
it on the air. The amount of time spent on
your speculations should be inversely
proportional to your knowledge of the
subject. |
11
|
If someone on the repeater is
causing interference, you should talk about
that person at great length, making sure to
comment on at least four out of six of the
following: (1) His mental state; (2) His
family; (3) His intelligence, or lack of
same; (4) His sexual preference; (5) His
relationship to small animals, his mother,
or both; (6) His other methods of self
entertainment. |
12
|
If you hear two amateurs start
a conversation on the repeater, wait until
they are 20 seconds into their contact, and
then break-in to use the patch. Make sure
that it's only a simple routine phone call.
It's also very important that you run the
autopatch for the full three minutes. This
way, once the two re-establish contact, they
won't even remember what they were talking
about. |
13
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You hear someone on the
repeater giving directions to a visiting
amateur. Even if the directions are good,
make sure you break-in with your own "alternate
route but better way to get there"
version. This is most effective if several
other Lid trainees join in, each with a
different route. By the time the amateur
wanting directions unscrambles all the
street names whizzing around in his head, he
should have mobiled out of range of the
repeater. This keeps you from having to
stick around and help the guy get back out
of town later. |
14
|
Use the repeater for an hour or
two at a time, preventing others from using
it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your
quest is to make people so sick of hearing
your voice every time they turn on their
radio, they'll move to another frequency.
This way you'll lighten the load on the
repeater, leaving even more time for you to
talk on it. |
15
|
See just how much mobile
flutter you can generate by operating at
handheld power levels too far from the
repeater. Engage people in conversations
when you know they won't be able to copy
half of what you're saying. Even when they
say you are uncopyable, continue to string
them along by making further transmissions.
See just how frustrated you can make the
other amateur before he finally signs off in
disgust. |
16
|
Give out wacky radio advice.
When a newcomer's signal is weak into the
repeater, tell him he can correct the
problem by adjusting the volume and squelch
knobs on his radio. Or tell people they're
full quieting except for the white noise on
their signal. Or....well, you get the idea.
|
17
|
Use lots of radio jargon. After
all, it makes you feel important using words
average people don't say. Who cares if it
makes you sound like you just fell off of
Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band? Use phases
such as "Roger on that", "Roge-O",
"10-4", "home 20" "I'm on
the side", "You're making the trip"
and "Negatory on that."
|
18
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Use excessive microphone gain.
See just how loud you can make your audio.
Make sure the audio gain is so high that
other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on
your floor. If mobile, make sure the wind
noise is loud enough that others have to
strain to pick your words out from all the
racket. |
19
|
Be as verbose as possible.
Never say "yes" when you can say "He
acquiesced in the affirmative by saying
'yes'". (No kidding, I actually
heard that one.) |
20
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Start every transmission with
the word "Roger", "Roge-O", or
"QSL". Sure, you don't need to
acknowledge that you received the other
transmission in full. After all, you would
simply ask for a repeat if you missed
something. But consider it your gift to the
other amateur to give him solace every few
seconds that his transmissions are being
received. |
21
|
When looking for a contact on a
repeater, always say you're "listening"
or "monitoring" multiple times. I've
always found that at least a half dozen
times or so is good. Repeating your multiple
"listening" IDs every 10 to 15
seconds is even better. Those people who
didn't want to talk to you will eventually
call you, hoping you'll go away after you
have finally made a contact.
|
22
|
Give out repeater FM signal
reports using the HF SSB R-S system ("You're
5 by 9 here"). Sure it's considered
improper for FM operation and you may even
confuse some people, but don't let that
spoil your fun! |
23
|
Always use a repeater, even if
you can work the other station easily on
simplex -- especially if you can make the
contact on simplex. The coverage of the
repeater you use should be inversely
proportional to your distance from the other
station. |
24
|
If you and the other station
are both within a mile or two of the
repeater you are using, you should always
give a signal report. ("I'm sitting under
the repeater and I know you can see it
from there, but you're full quieting into
the repeater. How about me?".)
|
25
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In the same vein as the
previous step, when monitoring a repeater,
you should always give signal reports as if
the repeater didn't exist. ("Yep, I'm
right under the repeater. You've got a
whopping signal. You're S-9 plus 60. That
must be a great rig".)
|
26
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On repeaters with courtesy
tones, you should always say "over".
Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone
know when you have un-keyed, but don't let
that stop you. Say "over", "back
to you", or "go ahead". It
serves no useful purpose, but don't worry --
it's still fun. |
27
|
Think up interesting and
bizarre things to do to tie-up the repeater.
The goal here is not to facilitate
communications, but to entertain all the
scanner listeners out there. Do something
original. Try to hum CTCSS (PL) tones. Sing
pager tones. You're getting the idea.
|
28
|
Use the repeater's autopatch
for frivolous routine calls. While pulling
into the neighborhood, call home to let them
know you'll be there in two minutes. Or call
your spouse to complain about the bad day
you had at work. After all, the club has "measured
rate" service on their phone line, so
they get charged for each autopatch call.
Your endeavor is to make so many patches in
a year that you cost the club at least $20
in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got
your money's worth for your dues.
|
29
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Never say "My name is....".
It makes you sound human. If at all
possible, use one of the following phrases:
A) "The personal here is...." B) "The
handle here is...." Normally, handles
are for suitcases, but it's OK to use them
anyway. Don't forget, this has worked just
fine for CBers for years. The best retort I
ever heard: "My handle is pink, my name
is..." |
30
|
Use "73" and "88" incorrectly.
Both are already considered plural, but add
a "s" to the end anyway. Say "best of 73's"
or "88's". Who cares if it means "best
regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet,
say "seventy thirds"! Or be funny and say
"seventy turds." Or talk like a 1960s CBer
and sign off with "Threeeeeeees to ya!". (By
the way, 70 thirds equals about 23.3, the
average CBers IQ.) |
31
|
Make people think you have a
split personality by referring to yourself
in the plural sense. When you're in
conversation and are alone at your radio,
always say "We're" or "We've"
instead of "I'm" or "I've"
(i.e. "we've been doing this...", "we're
doing that...", "we're clear").
Everyone knows you're by yourself, but when
they ask you who is with you, make up
somebody important like Arnold
Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton.
|
32
|
Always attempt to use the
higher functions of the repeater before you
have read the directions. Nothing will work,
but you'll have great fun and get lots of
people to give you advice.
|
33
|
Test repeater functions
repeatedly (that's why they call it a
repeater). Test your signal strength from
the same location several times every day.
Concentrate on testing the things that
really matter, like the number of time the
repeater has been keyed-up. That stuff is
fun to track. Test the outside temperature,
or the transmitter heat sink termperature as
often as possible. The farther the
temperature goes from the norms, the more
often you should test it. Also, if you get a
pager set to the repeater's output
frequency, as soon as you receive it set it
off every 30 seconds or so until the battery
runs down. Better yet, interrupt
conversations to test it.
|
34
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If the repeater is off the air
for service, complain about the fact that it
was off the air as soon as it's turned back
on. Act as though your entire day has been
ruined because that one repeater wasn't
available when you wanted to use it. Even
thought you have never donated a penny to
help out with the upkeep of it, and despite
the fact that you have all 42 local
repeaters programmed into your mobile radio.
|
35
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Find ways to get around the "no
business" rule on autopatches. Your
plan is to try and fool the repeater control
operators. Invent code words your secretary
at work will understand to disguise any
business talk so it sounds like personal
chatter. Or get to be friends with the local
Domino's Pizza manager. Make it so that when
you call him on the patch and ask him to
bring over the "floppy disk" you need to
your house, he shows-up 30 minutes later
with a piping hot large pepperoni and
sausage pie. The possibilities are
endless.... |
36
|
Always make sure you try to
communicate with only a handheld and a
rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you
work through a repeater that you can hear
very well, but it cannot hear you. This will
put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well,
Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine
here. I wonder why it can't hear me?"
You will score maximum LID points if you are
mobile, and with the radio lying in the
passenger seat. |
37
|
If an annoying station is
bothering you, make sure your other "LID"
buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even
though "CODES" are strictly forbidden on
Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice
"James Bond" tactics. |
38
|
Always use the National Calling
Frequency for general conversations. The
more uninteresting, the longer you should
use it. Extra points are awarded if you have
recently move from an adjacent frequency for
no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in
on 52.525 or 146.520 Megacycles that you
hang out there and talk to your friends five
miles down the road about the good old CB
days! |
39
|
Make sure that if you have a
personal problem with someone, you should
voice your opinion in a public forum,
especially a net. Make sure you give their
name, call, and any other identifying
remarks. For maximum points, make sure the
person in question is not on the repeater,
or not available. |
40
|
Make sure you say the first few
words of each transmission twice, especially
if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger,
roger", "Roge-O, Roge-O", or "fine
business, fine business". I cannot
stress enough about encouraging redundancy.
|
41
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If you hear a conversation on a
local repeater, break in and ask how each
station is receiving you. Of course they
will only see the signal of the repeater you
are using, but it's that magic moment when
you can find a fellow "LID", and get the
report. Extra points are awarded if you are
using a base station, and the repeater is
less than five air miles from you.
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