Zombie Apocalypse Protectorate

Welcome to our Officers' page where you will find a list of all the Officer positions currently allocated with brief details about the individuals. These people represent the cream of society, the pinnacle of human evolution; this is the reason they have been chosen for these important positions.

For more in-depth information on the group and its objectives, please visit the 'Our Plan' page by following the appropriate link in the navigation bar.

MASTER AT ARMS

Any survival group needs to be suitably equipped with appropriate weaponry to protect individuals and the group generally against the inevitable zombie attack, and possible invasion by marauding groups of degenerate warehousemen. There would also, at some point, be a need to hunt for wild game to assist in providing meat for the group.

An ideal candidate for the Master At Arms position was discovered drunk in a ditch in a local village, committing sodomy with a rabbit he had shot several times earlier. As it turns out he has an immense knowledge of weaponry of all kinds and an unhealthy interest in disembowelment.

He will be responsible for the care, safe storage and issuing of weapons as required. He will also be conducting weapons training for those not suitably proficient in their use and will decide on the best weapons to use for hunting, appropriate for the species being sought. He can be approached for advice on any kind of weaponry and explosives which he will gleefully provide from his vast and slightly worrying knowledge of both modern and medieval weapons and usage. He is, indeed, one of a kind, but it is important that you do not make eye contact with him, especially if he is dribbling from the left side of his mouth.

• Answers To:
    Chicken
• Special Qualities:
    Has an unhealthy knowledge of weapons of all kinds, both historical and modern.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Blood, guts and not being zombie chow.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Kilij
• Afraid Of:
    Kittens.
 

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER

On account of geographical limitations, radio communication will probably be the only way for various survival groups to make contact with each other, if for no other reason than to confirm that there are others out there. It has been reasonably assumed that at least some of the survival groups would have had the good sense to include a fully qualified radio amateur in their numbers, hence the need for one in ours.

Our guy was found late one night on Dartmoor howling at the full moon, trying to erect an antenna in the wind whilst having his thumb stuck in a gin trap. After offering our assistance and then settling him down with a large bar of chocolate it became apparent that he has considerable expertise in all areas of radio, had passed an examination in some radio crap or other, and has the knowledge and the equipment to be able to set up a short-wave radio station.

The Communications Officer is responsible for constructing, operating and maintaining the group's main radio station, along with issuing and installing the CB radio units where required for inter-foraging party coordination and piss-taking. He can be approached for advice on any aspect of radio communications, propagation and antenna design and will attempt to educate others in all things radio despite objections to the contrary. Be aware that he is a hungry beast, but on no account should he be fed after midnight no matter how much he cries and begs.

• Answers To:
    Mongo
• Special Qualities:
    Knows about radio and stuff, able to establish a communications base for the group.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Rabbits, adder-licking, flange climbing and naked nettle-rolling.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    War hammer.
• Afraid Of:
    Balloons and other bangy shit, and speaking to people.
 

ENGINEERING OFFICER

It is inevitable, given the enlightened nature of our group, that technical projects will be undertaken for the benefit and betterment of us all. Projects such as these will inevitably involve a fair amount of engineering skill, so it is essential that we have some members who are qualified engineers, and an overall engineer to oversee any work carried out.

Our Engineering Officer was discovered in a scrap yard near Honiton pretending to be a piston, until he realised he was being watched. Subsequent interviews gradually revealed him to be of extraordinary intelligence and in possession of one of the finest engineering and mathematical minds in the known universe. On account of this he was invited to join our group, to which he agreed once we had bribed him with a sufficient quantity of crayons, which he promptly ate.

The Engineering Officer has been appointed on account of his extensive knowledge of engineering including aerospace, which could prove useful. He will be in charge of any technical projects such as photo-voltaic installations, hydroelectric power generation and the group's space project. He can be approached to discuss any matters related to engineering generally, but please note that he is, as are most engineers, utterly socially inept.

• Answers To:
    Lucifer
• Special Qualities:
    Quite simply, he has "The Knack". Also an undeniable desire to inflict fatal injury on the clinically brain-dead.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Trimming the herd.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Defibrilator.
• Afraid Of:
    The exponentially increasing trend of encouraging the raising of 'neurologically challenged' or 'hard of thinking' sponge-like offspring.
 

SURVIVAL STRATEGY OFFICER

Not everyone in the group can be expected to be a survival expert, and yet we would all need to become proficient at living off the land if the group is to survive for the long haul.

A possible candidate for Survival Strategy Officer was discovered hiding out naked in Stoke Woods, who when approached, became visibly agitated at our arrival, proclaiming that he had "bloody nearly finished". Somewhat bemused by this we went in for a closer look, and although the bemusement remained unabated, all agreed that he seemed well able to fend for himself on account of the copious quantities of poached game hanging in the doorway of what can only be described as a 5-star shelter. By offering some coloured buttons we managed eventually to befriend him whereupon he ceased grunting and lunging at us and began to tell us about his experiences out in the wild, and to show us his rather large cutting implements. He was pretty much recruited on the spot.

As our Survival Strategy Officer, he can be consulted for advice on anything to do with living off the land, survival techniques and shelter-building, and is planning to hold survival courses for all parties, interested or otherwise. Be aware that he can be a stroppy bugger so don't mention his diminutive stature or you'll be in trouble. He does like his knives, and he doesn't like people.

• Answers To:
    Wolf Kebab
• Special Qualities:
    Raving nut case, former champion archer, total disinterest in preserving life.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Medieval weapons with emphasis on war hammers and battle axes, with a passing interest in daggers and swords.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Battle axe.
• Afraid Of:
    Work.
 

LIVESTOCK OFFICER

Once the group becomes established, it is expected that sheep, cattle and poultry will be rounded up from the surrounding areas and kept at the base for the purpose of providing meat, milk, wool and entertainment, depending on the species. These animals need to be cared for correctly to ensure their wellbeing, which in turn results in a better yield and a longer life expectancy.

During one of our scheduled Officer searches, we encountered a young lady in Plymouth swearing loudly at a pig she had just failed to catch. On account of the fact that she was able to display empathy towards the pig in such a manner rather than just shooting it as we would have done, we investigated further. Once we had her attention it eventually became clear that she was an admirer of animals of all kinds and was actually quite highly trained in animal psychology and welfare.

The Animal Welfare Officer is very experienced in the keeping and breeding of livestock and will be the key point of contact should advice about keeping animals be needed. This officer can also be consulted regarding vermin species such as rats and foxes. She has a rather unhealthy interest in zombies, so on occasions may have to be restrained to prevent her going out in search of them with her axe and spear.

• Answers To:
    Dippy
• Special Qualities:
    Fabulous; Also knows about animal welfare and how to bandage people up and shit like that.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Animals (cats in particular), blood & guts and other slurpy squelchy stuff.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    High velocity faeces.
• Afraid Of:
    Spiders.
 

MEDICAL OFFICER

In any group, injuries and sickness are to be expected and so it is important that there is at least one person on hand with some medical training to assist with the broken limbs, dysentery, syphilis and other afflictions typical of day to day living.

During a protracted post-drinking vomiting session behind the Royal Devon & Exeter Hospital, we noticed someone going through one of the clinical waste bins. After taking a closer look, it transpired that she was in search of some used sutures for use in an on-going experiment she was conducting on one of her neighbours. Her vast knowledge of biomedical science, medicine and surgical practices rapidly became apparent and she was promptly appointed to the group.

Our Medical Officer is highly medically trained and keen to practice her own brand of surgery on unwilling victims. She can be called upon to assist with diagnosis and medication, and can advise on a wide range of maladies, both physical and mental. Zombie bites invariably lead to the victim becoming infected with the zombie virus zombovirus hominoidus, so it falls to the Medical Officer to euthanase such individuals as the cases occur, which apparently she is quite looking forward to.

• Answers To:
    Slarge
• Special Qualities:
    In-depth medical knowledge, and able to see in the dark.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Grass and roofing felt.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Scalpel.
• Afraid Of:
    Twitching limbs and fingers on dead people.
 

PROCREATION OFFICER

A successful colony needs to develop what is basically a breeding plan if they wish to expand over time to develop into a sizeable and diverse society. Multiple pregnancies at an early stage in the group's existence would be disastrous, so a plan needs to be devised whereupon selected individuals are invited to procreate in rotation to ensure a controlled but steady supply of brats, and the responsibility for overseeing this falls to the Procreation Officer.

After much searching and many wild goose chases, we found our man in a public toilet in Newton Abbot attempting to inseminate himself. Once the equipment had been extricated from his body we took him home where it became instantly obvious on account of his haggis breeding project that this was the man for the job.

Our Procreation Officer is well trained in all things gynaecological and has the intellect and common sense to oversee such a technically and morally difficult breeding plan as ours. He can be approached for advice on contraception, artificial insemination, sperm supply and pregnancy, and will have access to the necessary equipment and fluids should the prospective mothers not fancy any of the stinking males in the group.

• Answers To:
    Throb Roy
• Special Qualities:
    Able to spot a homosexual celebrity at 1000 paces.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Mocking the afflicted.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    18 inch black dildo.
• Afraid Of:
    Loose-bowelled winged fauna.
 

LOGISTICS OFFICER

The challenges presented in organising the procurement, movement and storage of food and materials for the upkeep of a large community are considerable. There will be a need to have someone capable of organising the group's various road trips such as the initial move to a secure site and subsequent foraging forays into the uncharted nether regions, and be responsible for the warehousing of the scrounged materials. This thankless task falls to our Logistics Officer.

We were out one night spying on some couples dogging in Haldon Woods when we spotted a guy playing with some toy lorries in a gravel pit. After spending some time observing him, it became apparent that he had exceptional organisational skills on account of the sheer amount of gravel he had managed to move out onto the road using only the equipment at his disposal. We took him home, dusted him off, and eventually allowed him to show us his collection of boxes. A finer logistical brain has yet to be found in the British Isles, so he was duly recruited to the group.

He will be responsible for organising all convoys and for maintaining the operational capabilities of the fleet. He will also be in charge of the food and materials stores and will be charged with keeping accurate stock level figures and predicting future use. If needed, and not in his expected location, he can often be found playing puffer-trains nearby or trying to fly.

• Answers To:
    Grunt
• Special Qualities:
    He looks. That's what he does.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Badger wrestling and collecting speed humps.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Broom.
• Afraid Of:
    Prolonged eye contact.
 

HORTICULTURE OFFICER

As soon as the group has settled into its fortification site, work must begin on preparing and tilling areas of land in order to begin the long, arduous task of attempting to grow crops as a means of producing a long-term food supply. Evidently we need someone knowledgeable in all things planty to oversee this task.

After a rather unsuccessful officer hunting safari, we decided to pop into the Nobody Inn for a glass of water and some peanuts. Out of boredom, we started chatting to the guy at the next table who claimed to be terribly depressed on account of having inadvertently upset his neighbours. His neighbours turned out to be a field of rather congenial Maris Pipers, and there had evidently been a misunderstanding. Once his excrement had been removed from their field and a promise delivered to not do it again, harmony was restored. As someone who feels deeply about all things leafy, he was invited to join our group.

Our horticulturalist will be responsible for directing and advising on the preparing of land and the choice of, and the sowing thereof, a wide range of root, fruit and grain crops. He can be asked for advice on growing just about anything, but engaging his attention can be difficult on account of his rather busy, vegetable-orientated social life.

• Answers To:
    Spud
• Special Qualities:
    Zombie-defeating halitosis.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Worm racing and beans.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Strimmer.
• Afraid Of:
    Pigeons.
 

SCIENCE OFFICER

Any group of survivors has basically two options as to which way they wish to develop: they can either simply survive and slowly regress into savages, or they can develop, learn and educate, and thereby strive to establish the kind of technically and socially advanced culture they would have originally liked to have come from.

The Science Officer was appointed to the group after being discovered in a private laboratory attempting to travel two weeks into the future with a corpse he claimed to have removed from a graveyard the previous month. Once we had, with some difficulty, persuaded him that we were not his next experiment, it became obvious that he has an extensive knowledge of all the sciences and would be an invaluable addition to the group.

The Science officer will act as custodian of the Knowledge Of The Ancients, and to engage in research into the sciences to expand our knowledge and abilities in the various fields of interest to us. He will also be available to offer advice and ideas where any technical projects are to be researched or undertaken such as genetic engineering or thermonuclear weaponry. This particular guy is about as strange as they come and really is best not approached unless you specifically want your lungs removed. For your own safety, questions are best put to him via the chair at the regular meetings.

• Answers To:
    Doc
• Special Qualities:
    Sex god, ability to tolerate the smell of rotting flesh.
• Interests And Hobbies:
    Post mortems & thermonuclear detonations.
• Weapon Of Choice:
    Rectal probe.
• Afraid Of:
    Being identified.